I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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