Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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