ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
