Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
