so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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