Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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