I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
