It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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