So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize