both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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