either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My breasts were aching with rage.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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