dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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