How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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