Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
