I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
