One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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