Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
