I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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