My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
