my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
dude. I can hear the air.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
