when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
