when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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