Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
