im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
my liver is dry heaving
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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