OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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