Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
