I cannot find my penis.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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