come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
