don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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