I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
