a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
