Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
