I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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