he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
