She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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