fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
