What a fucking waste of an outfit
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
