i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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