he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
