First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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