We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
