sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
