I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
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It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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