I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
