If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
