it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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