M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
