you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's always time for handjobs
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
