i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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