If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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