She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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