oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I am one with the molecules
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
