True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
