I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
