he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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