I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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