Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
