i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
